Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.