I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
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