My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
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