And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
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