My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
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