She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
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