What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
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