I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
I can heartly wait to see you again.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I have a heart-on for you.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
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