So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
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