Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
You’re my heartthrob.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
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