My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
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