How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
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