My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
"Dying to have fun."
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
"Bone to be wild."
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
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