Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
"Bone to be wild."
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
"Bugs and hisses."
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
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