My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
"Some people have no guts."
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.