I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
"Lazy bones."
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
"No body won the skeleton race."
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
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