I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”