I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.