I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge