My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
The sun is just a big space heater.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
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