My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
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