I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
The sun is just a big space heater.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
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