Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
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