They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
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