I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
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