Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
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