Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
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