Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
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