Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
The sun is just a big space heater.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
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