What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.