What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
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