How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
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