What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?