Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
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