If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
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