What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
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