A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
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