After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
To get to the other tide.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
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