I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
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