When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
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