A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
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