What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
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