Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
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