How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
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