My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Go to BabaMail
