My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
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