What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
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