What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
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