What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
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