A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Biology - It grows on you.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
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