Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
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