My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
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