I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
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