I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
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