What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
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