When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
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