What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
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