I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
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