When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
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