My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Go to BabaMail
