What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
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