I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
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