My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
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