My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
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