Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
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