After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Biology - It grows on you.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
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