A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
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