An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Air resistance is a real drag.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
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