What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
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