A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
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