What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
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