A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
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