My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
The ocean made me salty.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Shell yeah.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Salty but sweet.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
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