Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
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