A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
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