How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
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