What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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