What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
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