Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
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