My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
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