I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
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